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CONTEMPORARY ILLUSTRATIONS FOR PANICKY PREACHERS!

18 Apr

Friends:

"Man, I could really use a GOOD illustration about right now!"

I’ve been collecting illustrations for about 30 years now.  I once dreamed of publishing a book of these, but have decided to give them away for FREE!

I’ll post my collection — one letter at a time — over the next little while.

Let me know if you find any of these useful!

 

CONTEMPORARY ILLUSTRATIONS

FOR PANICKY PREACHERS

Abilities

“God is looking for [people] through whom He can do the impossible — what a pity that we plan only the things that we can do by ourselves.” (A.W. Tozer)

Asked how he was getting on at school, the small boy replied:  “Pretty well.  I learned how to write today.”  “That’s very good!” said his father.  “And what did you write?”  “I don’t know,” came the reply, “I can’t read.” (Readers’ Digest)

Behind the scenes of an Arizona circus, Bobb Biehl started chatting with a man who trains animals for Hollywood movies:  ” ‘How is it that you can stake down a ten-ton elephant with the same size stake that you use for this little fellow?’ I asked, pointing to a baby elephant who weighed three hundred pounds.  ” ‘It’s easy . . . ‘ the trainer said. ‘When they are babies, we stake them down. They try to tug away from the stake maybe ten thousand times before they realize that they can’t possibly get away. At that point, their ‘elephant memory’ takes over and they remember for the rest of their lives that they can’t get away from the stake.’  “Humans are sometimes like elephants. When we are teenagers, some unthinking, insensitive, unwise person says, ‘He’s not very good at planning,’ or ‘She’s not a leader,’ or ‘Their team will never make it,’ and zap, we drive a mental stake into our minds. Often when we become mature adults, we are still held back by some inaccurate one-sentence ‘stake’ put in our minds when we were young. “Today you are an adult capable of much more than you realize. You are far more capable than you were even twelve months ago, and next year you will be able to do things you can’t imagine doing today.” –Bobb Biehl in Masterplanning

“There is something that is much more scarce, something rarer than ability.  It is the ability to recognize ability.” (Robert Half)

Abortion

“Every child has been created for greater things, to love and be loved, in the image of God.  That’s why couples must decide beforehand if they really want to have a child.  But once a child is conceived, there is life, God’s life.  That child has a right to live and be cared for.  Abortion destroys two lives: the life of the child and the conscience of the mother.” (Mother Teresa)

“All our children were in bed; the late television news was over, and I was putting the finishing touches to a presentation for medical students scheduled to be given the next day.  As I reviewed some slides which might be used, there appeared on the screen a picture of an abortion victim, aged two and one-half months’ gestation; her body had been dismembered by a curette, the long handled knife used in a D&C abortion procedure.  Suddenly I heard, rather than saw, another near me.  At the sound of a sharp intake of breath, I turned to find that my youngest son, then a sleepy, rumpled three-year-old, had unexpectedly and silently entered the room.  His small voice was filled with great sadness as he asked, `Who broke the baby?’  How could this small, innocent child see what so many adults cannot see?” (Jean Staker Garton on her decision to become a prolife activist, in her book Who Broke the Baby?)

Abstinence

(I hope you find the following as encouraging as I did.  It came from a member of the Evangelical Fellowship of Canada’s Social Action Commission.  He works at the University of Toronto as a research assistant and is confronted with amorality everyday. Praise God that He has placed his servant in an environment crying out for the Word!

- Joe Couto)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What About Abstinence?

I was holding a notice from my 13-year-old son’s school  announcing a meeting to preview  the new course in sexuality. Parents could examine the curriculum and take part in an actual lesson presented exactly as it would be given to the students. When I arrived at the school, I was surprised to discover only about a dozen parents there.   As we waited for the presentation, I thumbed through page after page of instructions in the prevention of pregnancy or disease. I found abstinence mentioned only in passing.  When the teacher arrived with the school nurse, she asked if there were  any questions.  I asked why abstinence did not play a noticeable part in the material. What happened next was shocking. There was a great deal of laughter, and someone suggested that if I thought abstinence had any merit, I should go back to burying my head in  the sand. The teacher and the nurse said nothing as I drowned in a sea of embarrassment. My mind  had gone blank, and I could think of nothing to say. The teacher  explained to me that the job of the school was to teach “facts,” and the home was responsible for moral training.  I sat in silence for the next 20 minutes as the course was  explained. The other parents seemed to give their unqualified support to the materials.  “Donuts, at the back,” announced the teacher during the break.   “I’d like you to put on the name tags we have prepared-they’re right by the donuts-and  mingle with the other parents.”   Everyone moved to the back of the room.   As I watched them affixing their name tags and shaking hands,  I sat deep in thought.  I was ashamed that I had not been able to convince them to include a serious discussion of abstinence in the materials. I uttered a silent prayer for guidance.

My thoughts were interrupted by the teacher’s hand on my  shoulder.  “Won’t you join the others, Mr. Layton?” The nurse smiled sweetly at me. “The donuts are  good.”  “Thank you, no,” I replied. “Well, then, how about a name tag? I’m sure the others would  like to meet you.”  “Somehow I doubt that,” I replied.  Won’t you please join them?” she coaxed.  Then I heard a still, small voice whisper, “Don’t go.” The instruction was unmistakable. “Don’t go!” “I’ll just wait here,” I said.

When the class was called back to order, the teacher looked around the long table and thanked everyone for putting on name tags. She ignored me.  Then she said, “Now we’re going to give you the same lesson  we’ll be giving your children.  Everyone please peel off your name tags.” I watched in silence as the tags came off.   “Now, then, on the back of one of the tags, I drew a tiny flower.  Who has it, please?”  The gentleman across from me held it up. “Here it is!” “All right,” she said.  “The flower represents disease.  Do you recall with whom you shook  hands?”   He pointed to a couple of people.

“Very good,” she replied.   “The handshake in this case represents intimacy. So the two people  you had contact with now have the disease.”  There was laughter and joking among the parents.  The teacher continued, “And whom did the two of You shake hands with?”  The point was well taken, and she explained how this lesson would show students how quickly disease is spread.  “Since we all shook hands, we all have the disease.”  It was then that I heard the still, small voice again. “Speak now, it said, “but be humble.”  I noted wryly the latter admonition, then rose from my chair.  I apologized for any upset I might have caused earlier, congratulated the teacher on an excellent lesson that would impress the youth, and concluded by saying I had only one small point

I wished to make.    “Not all of us were infected,” I said. “One of us … abstained.”

A newly married couple went to the doctor and asked him to prescribe a method of birth control with no possibility of failure.  The physician consulted medical journals and encyclopedias.  Finally, he turned to them and said, “I have just the thing.  Eat an apple.”  The two were surprised and delighted.  “As simple as that?” they asked.  “Do we eat the apple before, or after?”  “Instead,” said the doctor.  (Jeannette Branin, Readers’ Digest)

Acceptance

>HIS NAME IS JOHN

His name is John.  He has wild hair, wears a T-shirt with holes in it, jeans and no shoes.  This was literally his wardrobe for his entire four years of college.  He is brilliant.  Kinda esoteric and very, very bright.  He became a Christian while attending college.  Across the street from the campus is a well-dressed and established church.  They want to develop a ministry to the students, but are not sure how to go about it.  One day John decides to go there.  He walks in with no shoes, jeans, his T-shirt, and wild hair.  The service has already started and so John starts down the aisle looking for a seat.  The church is completely packed and he can’t find a seat.  By now

>people are looking a bit uncomfortable, but no one says anything.  John gets closer and closer and closer to the pulpit and when he realizes there are no seats, he just squats down right on the carpet.  (Although perfectly acceptable behavior at a college fellowship, trust me, this had never happened in this church before!)  By now the people are really uptight, and the tension in the air is thick.  About this time, the minister realizes that from way at the back of the church, a deacon is slowly making his way toward John.  Now the deacon is in his eighties, has silver-gray hair, a three-piece suit, and a pocket watch. A godly man, very elegant, very dignified, very courtly. He walks with a cane and as he starts walking toward this boy, everyone is saying to themselves, “You can’t blame him for what he’s going to do.  How can you expect a man of his age and of his

>background to understand some college kid on the floor?”  It takes a long time for the man to reach the boy.  The church is utterly silent except for the clicking of the man’s cane.  All eyes

>are focused on him.  You can’t even hear anyone breathing.  The people are thinking, “The minister can’t even preach the sermon until the deacon does what he has to do.”  And now they see this elderly man drop his cane on the floor. With great difficulty he lowers himself and sits down next to John and worships with him so he won’t be alone.  Everyone chokes up with emotion.  When the minister gains control he says, “What I’m about to preach, you will never remember.  What you have just seen, you will never forget.”

Accidents

Actual statements made on insurance forms when people had an accident, as they tried to explain with as few words as possible what happened:

“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished!”

“I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car!”

“Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn’t have.”

“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.”

“The guy was all over the road — I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him!”

“I’ve been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident!”

Accountability

One day, when I was a 14-year-old high school freshman, school was dismissed early for a teachers’ meeting. I conveniently neglected to tell my parents about the change and arranged to bring my girlfriend over to my house. We weren’t planning to study. As we were going up the steps, my neighbor, Mrs. Nolan, poked her head out of a window and said, “You’re home awfully early, Jerome.” “Yes, Ma’am,” I said, improvising a lame story about how we had planned to review algebra problems. “Does your mother know you’re home this early,” Mrs. Nolan persisted, “and do you want me to call her?” I gave up. “No, Ma’am. I’ll go inside and call her while Kathy sits on the porch.” Mrs. Nolan saved our careers that day. If Kathy had gotten pregnant, she might not have become the doctor she is today. And my father had warned me that if I made a baby, the mutual fund he set up for me to go to college or start a business would have gone to the child. I’m glad Mrs. Nolan was at her window, looking out for me. -Jawanza Kunjufu in Restoring the Village

Accountants

What’s the definition of an accountant?

Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t

understand.

What’s the definition of a good tax accountant?

Someone who has a loophole named after him.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?

When he realises he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

What does an accountant use for birth control?

His personality.

What’s an extroverted accountant?

One who looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you instead of his own.

What’s an auditor?

Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?

Because he looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.

There are three kinds of accountants in the world. Those who can count

and those who can’t.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?

Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?

Depreciation.

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of

nothing.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.”

“Have you tried counting sheep?”

“That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to

find it.”

Action

Fire: What to do

During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”

The METHODISTS gathered in the corner and prayed.

The BAPTISTS cried, “Where is the water?”

The QUAKERS quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.

The LUTHERANS posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.

The ROMAN CATHOLICS passed the plate to cover the damage.

The JEWS posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire would pass.

The CONGREGATIONALISTS shouted, “Every man for himself!”

The FUNDAMENTALISTS pro-claimed, “It’s the vengeance of God!”

The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession and marched out.

The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS concluded that there was no fire.

The PRESBYTERIANS appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to

look into the matter and submit a written report.

The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.

“He who deliberates fully before taking a step will spend his entire life on one leg.” (Chinese Proverb)

Activity

Many a Christian worker’s activity is the grave of his spiritual life.” (C.J. Vaughan)

Adolescence

“Adolescence is a period of rapid changes.  Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years!”

Adolescents: Children old enough to dress by themselves if they could just remember where they last saw their clothes. (Bits and Pieces)

Adventure

“Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.” (Teddy Roosevelt, in Swindoll’s Growing Strong in the Seasons of Life, p. 251)

Advice

A woman said to a sales clerk in a card store: “Do you have any `It Wouldn’t Have Happened If You’d Done It My Way’ cards?” (Harris, Register and Tribune Syndicate)

Kids’ Little Instructions on Life

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.

Matthew, Age 12

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.

Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.

Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you’ll be dressed in the morning.

Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Rosemary, Age 7

Don’t flush the toilet when you dad’s in the shower.

Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars

when your parents are doing taxes.

Carrol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom.

Nicholas, Age 11

Don’t ever be too full for dessert.

Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?”

don’t answer him.

Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet’s not working.

Michael, Age 14

Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.

Joel, Age 12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom

when she’s on the phone.

Alyesha, Age 13

Never try to baptize a cat.

Laura, Age 13

Never spit when on a roller coaster.

Scott, Age 11

Never do pranks at a police station.

Sam, Age 10

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it’s moving.

Rob, Age 10

Never tell your little brother that you’re not going to do

what your mom told you to do.

Hank, Age 12

Remember you’re never too old to hold your father’s hand.

Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.

Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes.

Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.

Phillip, Age 13

Forget the cake, go for the icing.

Cynthia, Age 8

One night Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington’s ghost in

the

>>White House.  “George, what is the best thing I could do to help the

>>country?” Clinton asked.  “Set an honest and honorable example, just

as

>>I did,” advised George.

>>

>>The next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark

>>bedroom.  “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the

country?”

>>Clinton asked.  “Cut taxes and reduce the size of government,” advised

>>Tom.

>>

>>Clinton didn’t sleep well the next night, and saw yet another figure

>>moving in the shadows.  It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost.  “Abe, what is

>>the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked.  “Go to

>>the theater.”

Age

Subject:    Over 35

People over 35 should be dead.  Here’s why:

According to today’s regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40′s, 50′s, 60′s, or even maybe the early 70′s probably shouldn’t have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.  (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)

As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.  We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.  No one was able to reach us all day! NO CELL PHONES!!!!!

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all,  no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internetchat rooms.

We had friends! We went outside and found them. We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt. We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no

lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment!

Some students weren’t as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you’re one of them!  Congratulations!

Are you feeling old? If not, consider this:

> The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.

> They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.

> > They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

> > Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great

> Depression.

> > Their world has always included AIDS.

> > Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audiotapes;

> > they may have heard of an 8-track, but probably never actually seen

> > (or heard) one.

> > The digital Disc was presented to Wall street when they were 1 year

> > old.

> > From their earliest years, a camera was something you used once and

> > threw away.

> > As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.

> > Few, if any, have lived without an answering machine.

> > Few have used a TV set with only 13 channels.

> > Some use the word “clickers” for “remote control”, yet they do not

> > know why they say it.

> > They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony ..

> > The expression “you sound like a broken record” means nothing to them.

> > There, doesn’t that just make your day?

“Age is a quality of mind.

If you’ve left your dreams behind.

If hope is cold.

If you no longer look ahead,

If your ambitious fires are dead,

Then you are old!”

Linus, of Charles Schultz’s Peanuts cartoon strip, walks up to his sister Lucy quite disturbed.  “I dread getting old,” he says.  “Don’t worry about it . . . You have a long way to go . . .”, says his sister.  Linus replies, “But I don’t want to have to wear bifocal teeth!”  “You mean false teeth,” corrected Lucy.  “See?” said Linus.  “I’m getting old already . . . I’m losing my memory!”

“Middle age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature.” (Harold Coffin)

You know you’re old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work; when you get winded playing chess; when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and ask yourself, “What else can I do while I’m down here”?

(To the tune of Edelweiss)

Acheiness, acheiness, every morning you greet me;

Groans and sighs, baggy eyes, now that I’m turning fifty.

Cold and hot flashes now come my way, and don’t stop, no never,

Acheiness, acheiness, bless my old bod forever.

Achey eyes, achey eyes–forms, reports and the letters,

More supplies, bills to write, and another news letter.

Days upon hard days go flying by, and will return never–

Achey eyes, achey eyes, bless my old bod forever. (Chip McDaniel)

(To the tune of “When You’re 16″)

When you’re 50, heading to 60, who says they have to know?

If you don’t show it, why should they know it?  Th’ secret’s don’t let it

show.

Pick up some new duds, out with the old crud, lace up the corset, too-oo.

When you’re 50, heading to 60, sha-ave a pound or two.

When you’re 50, heading to 60, your body turns on you:

New tracks of crows feet really don’t look neat; there’s oste’perosis too.

Incontinental’s quite consequential; flashes send you askew-ew.

When you’re 50, heading to 60, these things could happen to you.

When you’re 50, heading to 60, you’re getting old, it’s true.

Take this prescription for your condition; I’ll tell you what to do:

Ponds for the wrinkles, Depends for tinkles, Estrogen when you’re blu-ue.

When you 50, heading to 60, a new paradigm’s for you. (Chip McDaniel)

“Some people try to turn back their odometers,” writes Mary Lillian Blackstock.  “Not me.  I want people to know the reason that I look like this.  I have traveled a long way, and some of the roads that I have taken were not paved.” (Readers’ Digest)

Beverly A. Ivy writes the Readers’ Digest: “After meeting the mother of our teenage baby-sitter, I remarked to my family how very young she looked to be the mother of four.  `That’s okay, Mom,’ my eight-year old son reassured me.  `She probably uses that Oil of Delay stuff.’”

Anger

“Of the Seven Deadly Sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back — in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you.” (Frederick Buechner)

“Anger is just one letter short of danger.” (anonymous)

“Temper is a quality that at a critical moment brings out the best in steel and the worst in people.” (William P. Grohse)

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else — you are the one who gets burned.” (anonymous)

One man tells about his friend who went to buy a stamp at a post office where some of the clerks have a reputation for surliness.  The stamp was pushed across the counter with such force that it landed on the floor about two feet away.  With great aplomb, the woman took the money from her purse, laid it on the floor, picked up the stamp and walked out.  (T. Stewart, Readers’ Digest)

“Righteous indignation,” said a little boy, “is when you get angry without cussing.” (Stephen Brown)

Lawyer coming home from the office to wife: “It was a terrible day in court — I exhibited moral outrage when I meant to show righteous indignation.”

“If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size?” (Sydney J. Harris)

Anger, God’s

“God’s wrath in the Bible is never the capricious, self-indulgent, imitable, morally ignorable thing that human anger so often is.  It is, instead, a right and necessary reaction to objective moral evil.  God is only angry where anger is called for.” (J.I. Packer, Knowing God)

Peter the Great, it is said, was fascinated with surgery.  He was also interested in dentistry; sometimes he would assist surgeons and dentists as they practiced their craft.  One time his valet came to him and said, “Your majesty, my wife is suffering terribly with a toothache.  Would you come and extract the tooth from her mouth?  Her problem is every time she gets around a dentist, she protests and says she doesn’t have a toothache.”  Peter the Great got his tools and made his way to his valet’s house, and amidst all the protests and screams of this particular woman, he pulled her tooth out.  It was weeks later that the found out that she really didn’t have a toothache.  She and her husband had been having a terrific argument, and that was his revenge — He had her tooth pulled out! (Stephen Brown)

Anger, Godly

“It is sin not to be angry with sin.” (Thomas Fuller, Gnomologia)

Animals

“A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.

‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered.  I

replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses.

Now I’ll have to kill you too.” –Jake Johansen

PRIORITIES SET: San Francisco has a new home for the homeless. The $7 million compound has color TVs in every room. “Lots of hugs” for any resident who feels lonely. Special ventilation systems keep the air clean and odorless, and free food is delivered to each room at mealtimes. Even medical and “beauty” care is provided. “We are trying to test the envelope here,” says director Richard Avanzino. “What we really hope is that this will help us to save a lot more lives.” But  hungry humans need not apply: this is the city’s new animal shelter.  Avanzino defends the opulent dog and cat house, which is even stocked with real furniture. “People think of pets as family members. You wouldn’t put your family member in a cage, would you?” (Reuters) …Sure some of the endowment would buy a lot of cardboard box homes for homeless street families. However, the pound has cable TV bills to pay.

Annoying Things

>> 33 Different ways to annoy people.

>> 1    Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch

>> paper, 99 copies.

>> 2.   Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if

>> they slow down.

>> 3.   Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”

>> 4.   If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking

>> to others.

>> 5.   Sing along at the opera.

>> 6.   Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all

>> weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”

>> 7.   Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”

>> 8.   Practice making fax and modem noises.

>> 9.   Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and “cc.”

>> them to your boss.

>> 10. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with

>> prophesy.”

>> 11. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over

>> your ears.

>> 12. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the cartridge

>> across the room.

>> 13. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

>> 14. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and

>> insist to others that you “like it that way.”

>> 15. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

>> 16. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking”

>> noise.

>> 17. Honk and wave to strangers.

>> 18. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their

>> complimentary mints

>> by the cash register.

>>

>> 19. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

>> 20. type only in lowercase.

>> 21. don t use any punctuation either

>> 22. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole

>> streets.

>> 23. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear

>> that?”, “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”

>> 24. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

>> 25. Try playing the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by

>> tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, no,

>> wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.

>> 26. Ask people what gender they are.

>> 27. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a

>> parakeet.

>> 28. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual

>> massage.”

>> 29. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

>> 30. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.

>> 31. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the

>> answers in a notebook.  Mutter something about “psychological

>> profiles.”

>> 32. TELL YOUR FRIENDS 4 DAYS PRIOR, THAT YOU CAN’T ATTEND THEIR

>> PARTY BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT IN THE MOOD!

>> 33. Send this list to everyone in your email address book even if

>> they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this.

Answers

John Fischer: “Much of my life falls between the answers.”

Watch out for phony solutions; when you spot a quack, duck!

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when

>      an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s

>      electronic navigation and communications equipment.  Due to

>      the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the

>      helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.

>

>      The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew

>      a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window.

>      The pilot’s sign said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters.

>

>      People in the tall building quickly responded to the

>      aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building

>      window.  Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

>

>      The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the

>      course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

>

>      After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot

>      how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine

>      their position.

>

>      The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT

>      building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me

>      a technically correct but completely useless answer.”

Three lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city. “That’s impossible,” says the doctor. “You’re all nuts. You’ll get lost and never come back.” But, the lunatics wouldn’t relent until finally, exasperated, the doctor says “OK! If you can answer a simple question I’ll sign the pass.” He turns to the first lunatic and says “What’s three times three?” The lunatic starts counting on his fingers “3, 7, 19, 38?. Is it 128?” The doctor shakes his head and turns to the next lunatic: “What’s three times three?” The lunatic immediately shouts “WEDNESDAY!” The doctor, beginning to become disgusted turns to the last lunatic: What’s three times three?” The lunatic thinks for a moment and then asks for a pencil and a piece of paper. That provided, she writes for some time furiously, and finally looks up and says “Nine.” The doctor is amazed, but true to his word he begins filling out the pass. As he’s writing he says “This is incredible, you’ve always been thoroughly insane. How’d you do it?” The lunatic  responds, “Oh, it was easy I divided 128 by Wednesday!” (John Holmes)

Answering Machines

Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn’t do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP

“Hi. I am probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.”

“You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.  Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.”

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello. I’m home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I’m a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy’s answering machine. If you give me your name and number I’ll… Uh, I’ll post it on the fridge where he’ll see it. Uh… By the way, where did you say you live?

You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do.

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

I don’t want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it’s a dream, or maybe it’s an illusion, or maybe YOU don’t really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it’s reality, I will call you back.

I can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it…I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya.  We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right …  real slowly.  So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth we’ll get back to you.

Anxiety

Eric Sevareid once suggested that the biggest business in America is not making steel, cars, or televisions, but `the manufacture, refinement, and distribution of anxiety.’  The only thing bigger is the business of anxiety reduction!” (Gary R. Collins)

Apathy

It is reported that the following part of the Book of Genesis

was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would

shed light on the question, “Where do pets come from?”

And Adam said, “Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked

with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore.

I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember

how much you love me.”

And God said, “No problem!  I will create a companion for

you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection

of my love for you, so that you will know I love you,

even when you cannot see me.  Regardless of how selfish and

childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will

accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of

yourself.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.

And it was a good animal.  And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged

his tail. And Adam said, “But Lord, I have already named all the

animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I

cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “No problem! Because I have created this new

animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will

be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and

loved him.  And Adam was comforted.  And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it come to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came

to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam has become filled with pride.

He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy

of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved,

but no one has taught him humility.

And the Lord said, ” No problem!  I will create for him a

companion who will be with him forever and who will see him

as he is.  The companion will remind him of his limitations,

so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.  And Cat

would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cats eyes, he was reminded that he

was not the supreme being.  And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.  And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

Aphorisms

1) Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some don’t have film.

2) Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.

3) A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4) On the other hand, you have different fingers.

5) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6) Back up my hard drive?  How do I put it in reverse?

7) I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory.

8) When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

9) Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

10) Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

11) I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

12) He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

13) She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

14) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be

misquoted, then used against you.

15) I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

16) Honk if you love peace and quiet.

17) Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

18) Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so

popular?

19) Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

20) Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

21) He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Apologetics

“A faith in God that does not want to be questioned and shrinks from being examined by outsiders is a faith that does not wish to be shared.  It draws a circle close and tight around itself.  Its creeds, rituals and teachings become protective devices against the world’s intruding curiosity.  Thus it proves that it is something less than faith — it is pride, defensiveness, fear of being found out by the truth.”

(Roger Hazelton, On Proving God, Harper & Bros. Pub., 1952, p. 18).

Appearance:

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane stopped

in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be

a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would

re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. The man had

noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his

seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the

entire flight.

He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot

approached him, and calling him by name, said, “Bill, we’re in Sacramento for

almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”

The blind man replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his

legs.”

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill

when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog.

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to

change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

Remember… things aren’t always as they appear.

 

 

Arguments

“People generally quarrel because they cannot argue.” (G.K. Chesterton)

“The truth is that the modern world has had a mental breakdown; much more than a moral breakdown.  Things are being settled by mere associations because there is a reluctance to settle them by arguments.” (G.K. Chesterton, “Obstinate Orthodoxy”, in The Thing, p. 62).

Assumptions

The museum guide was showing a tour group around the dinosaur exhibit.  “That fossil in the glass case is two million and nine years old,” he declared.  “How can you date it so precisely?” asked someone admiringly.  “That’s easy,” he replied.  “I’ve been working here nine years, and it was two million years old when I came.” (Readers’ Digest)

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn’t quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, “What now?”The boy answered, “Now we run like crazy!”

This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: “Hey, you got a telephone in there?” The guy in the Rolls says, “Yes, of course I do.” “I got one too… see?” “Uh, huh, yes, that’s very nice.”  Then the man in the Granada says, “You got a fax machine?” “Why, actually, yes, I do.” “I do too! See? It’s right here!” “Uh-huh.” The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, “So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?” And the guy in the Rolls says, “NO! Do you?” “Yep, got my double bed right in back here  see?!” The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified  Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, “Hey. Remember me?” “Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What’s up?” “Check this out! I got a double bed installed in my Rolls.” And the man in the Granada says, “YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!”

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, “PIG!” The man immediately leans out his window and replies, “Stupid!” They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.

“Unspoken premises direct the course of any civilization.  The ideas which are not even argued are the building blocks of society.” (James Newby)  Which ideas today are the spiritual stumbling-blocks of our society?

Atheism

A college student was in a philosophy class, where a class discussion was going on about whether or not God exists. The professor had the following logic:

“Has anyone in this class heard God?” Nobody spoke.

“Has anyone in this class touched God?” Again, nobody spoke.

“Has anyone in this class seen God?”

When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, “Then, there is no God.”

The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:

“Has anyone in this class heard our professor’s brain?” Silence.

“Has anyone in this class touched our professor’s brain?” Absolute silence.

“Has anyone in this class seen our professor’s brain?”

When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, “Then, according to our professor’s logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!”

The student received an “A” in the class.

“The best reply to an atheist is to give him a good dinner and ask him if he believes there is a cook.” (Louis Nizer)

A brilliant but bitter agnostic writer toured Europe with his wife and small son.  He received honors from schools, royalty, and friends.  After the family returned home, his son, impressed with his father’s fame, said, “Daddy, I guess pretty soon you will know everybody except God.”

At the end of the Bob Harrington – Madeline O’Hare debates, the Wittenberg Door interviewed them both, and after summing up what she had to say about Harrington, O’Hare summed up what she believed about Christianity:  “Christianity is intolerant, anti-democratic, anti-sexual, and anti-life.  It is anti-woman and I cannot stand that.  It is anti-everything that is good and human and decent and kind and love-filled and understanding.  I used to have an intellectual hatred for Christianity.  I think that is broadening now.  I am enjoying hating the whole thing.”

George Bernard Shaw is perhaps the most renowned in the world as a freethinker and liberal philosopher.  In his last writings, he says: “The science to which I pinned my faith is bankrupt.  Its counsels, which should have established the millennium, led instead directly to the suicide of Europe.  I believed them once.  In their name I helped to destroy the faith of millions of worshippers in the temples of a thousand creeds.  And now they look at me and witness the great tragedy of an atheist who has lost his faith.”

They have all sorts of new phone services these days.  Now they’ve got a dial-a-prayer service for atheists.  You call a number and nobody answers!

“For an atheist to find God is as difficult as for a thief to find a policeman . . . and for the same reason.” (anonymous)

“An atheist is a man without any invisible means of support.” (John Buchan)

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he

told the class that he was going to prove that there was no

God. He said, “God if you are real, then I want you to knock

me off this platform. I’ll give you 15 minutes!”

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, “Here I

am God, I’m still waiting.” He got down to the last couple

of minutes and a big 240-pound football player happened to

walk by the door and heard what the professor said. The

football player walked into the classroom and in the last

minute, hit the professor full force, sending him flying off

the platform.

The professor got up, obviously shaken, and said, “Where did

you come from, and why did you do that?”

The football player replied, “God was busy; He sent me!”

Atonement

“When the Lord Jesus Christ . . . had our sins laid upon him, he did give more perfect satisfaction unto divine justice for our sins than if . . . all of us had been damned in  unto all eternity.” (William Bridge)

“One of the ugliest ideas I have heard about God involves his attitude while Jesus was on the cross.”  (pg 70)

“Why must sins be paid for? If God is forgiving, why is any payment necessary?” (pg 127)

“I found it more and more difficult to sing, ‘What can wash away my sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus.’  Eventually, those words no longer made sense to me.  The forgiveness of sin didn’t require the death of Jesus.  It only required God’s resolve to forgive.  Grace isn’t about Jesus’ paying for our debts.” (pg 128) (If Grace Is True)

Attention

A little girl came home and her hamsters were gone.  She said to her mother, “Where are my hamsters?”  She said, “You didn’t take care of them, so I gave them away.”  “But, Mom, I take care of my hamsters!”  Her mother said, “Honey, I gave them away ten days ago.” (Steve Brown)

A 31-year-old Daytona Beach, Florida, man has confessed to a string of burglaries committed while people sat in their living rooms engrossed in TV.  Police report Thursday was the big night because of The Cosby Show, Family Ties and Cheers.  In fact, some dog-owners, intent on the action, would tell their barking animals to hush, giving the prime-time burglar an easy target. (The Associated Press)

I ran into a friend in the home fix-it section of a large department store, where he was intently studying an inexpensive tractor.  Knowing that he has only a small yard, I asked, “Are you really interested in one of these?”  He replied, “Nope.  What I need is the help of a salesman in picking out some nuts and bolts, but when I stand in front of that display, I get no attention.  Now watch the salesmen rushing to help me here.” (Readers’ Digest)

Someone has said that the quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.

My son, writes Margaret Evans, who is a forest ranger, dislikes talking in public, but he agreed to give a talk on rattleshakes.  The day of the speech he prepared himself for the ordeal by bringing in a sack-covered box and placing it carefully at his feet on the speaker’s platform.  With every eye riveted attentively and apprehensively on the box, he made his speech, and then picked up his box — which was empty — and walked off. (Readers’ Digest)

We thought our economics professor at the University of South Carolina in Columbia was eccentric because he brought a tennis ball to every class, placing it on the podium and collecting it after each lecture.  One day mid-semester, he noticed that a student about seven rows back had dozed off.  Abruptly stopping his talk, the professor tossed the ball at the sleeping student and woke him up.  “Nobody, but nobody, sleeps in my economics class!” he said.  He was right about that.  Next class, he showed up with a baseball! (Readers’ Digest)

Attitude

When the soldiers of Israel saw Goliath, they thought to themselves, “He is so big that we can never kill him!”  When David saw Goliath, he thought to himself, “He is so big that I cannot miss him!” (anonymous)

Authority

> This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a

> US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of

> Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released

> by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

>

> Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North

> to avoid a collision.

>

> Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to

> the South to avoid a collision.

>

> Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say

> again, divert YOUR course.

>

> Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

>

> Americans: THIS 1S THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE

> SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE

> ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND

> NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR

> COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR

> COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF

> THIS SHIP.

>

> Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

One woman tells the story of her son calling one evening sounding terrible.  “Mom,” he said, “I feel terrible.  My nose is all stuffed up, my head is pounding, I ache all over, and I think I have a fever.  What should I do?”  “Well, son, you should drink plenty of fluids and get as much rest as possible.  But, dear, you’re in your third year of medical school — you should know all these things!”  “I do, Ma,” he responded.  “But I wanted to hear it from you.

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