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Half of Congregation Dies of Starvation As Sermon Goes 15 Minutes Overtime — Satire from the Babylon Bee

25 Nov


RUSSELLVILLE, AR—Roughly half of the churchgoers at First Baptist Church Russellville died of starvation Sunday after the pastor tragically went 15 minutes over his standard sermon time, local sources confirmed.

“We don’t know if the pastor simply lost track of time due to passion while preaching the word of God, or if something more nefarious was going on,” police chief Dwayne Carroll told reporters Monday.

“It’s hard to imagine that Pastor Frank did not notice the panicked glances at phones and watches, along with the thunderous stomach growls and moans of agony reverberating throughout the sanctuary within minutes after he began to breach his normal closing time,” the chief continued. “Whatever the case, he went well over his standard allotted time for delivering his message, and roughly 75 people in attendance simply could not hold out, succumbing to their hunger before the the end of the church service.”

Thankfully, the other half of the congregation was able to make a speedy exit as soon as they were dismissed, frantically rushing out the doors and flooding all local restaurants for emergency sustenance.

“Pastor Frank should have known the dire consequences of a church service going even a minute past its normal ending time,” one survivor noted to reporters. “I mean, people have to eat.”

Police Chief Carroll confirmed that the investigation is ongoing.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on November 25, 2019 in satire

 

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2 responses to “Half of Congregation Dies of Starvation As Sermon Goes 15 Minutes Overtime — Satire from the Babylon Bee

  1. Gerry T. Neal

    November 25, 2019 at 6:12 pm

    Good old Babylon Bee! However, while long-winded preachers are unlikely to starve people to death, unless they are like the preacher in Charlotte Bronte’s novel who preached a 491-head sermon each head as long as an ordinary pulpit message, St. Paul’s long-windedness proved temporarily fatal to poor Eutychus when he fell asleep in his window seat.

     
    • Dr. Larry Dixon

      November 25, 2019 at 6:42 pm

      Good point, Gerry. Great to hear from you! Blessings. Dr. D.

       

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