RSS

Church That Believes Exactly What the World Believes . . . – Babylon Bee Satire!

05 Dec


PORTLAND, OR—Lifeforce Community Church prides itself on believing exactly what the surrounding culture believes. On issues ranging from intersectionality and identity politics to the existence of God and the nature of sin, the church takes great pains to match every single one of its core doctrines to that of secular American society.

Yet, somehow, attendance continues to decline. The church’s pastor is totally baffled, saying he has absolutely no idea why no one bothers coming to church anymore.

“I just don’t get it,” said Pastor Bryan Lindell. “I tell our congregation that we’ll offer them the exact same worldview as secular culture, and they abandon us for secular culture. What gives?”

“I mean, does the world have a second-rate band, laser lights, and a fog machine? Does the world offer a hot dish potluck every fourth Sunday? I don’t think so.”

Lindell was quick to point out that his church has premium coffee selections and lots of free pastries every Sunday. “I mean, not as good as real coffee shops, or even Starbucks, but it’s decent,” he said. “If that doesn’t get people jumping out of bed and rushing to church on a Sunday morning when they could be watching the NFL, I’m not sure what would.”

One member of the leadership team suggested they start teaching the Bible to differentiate their church from the surrounding culture and offer something the world cannot offer. The leader was called a bigot and forced to resign.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on December 5, 2019 in satire

 

Tags: , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: