Babylon Bee Satire: The Entire Bible Is God’s Word!

MODESTO, CA—Tom Barber read through his Bible and highlighted passages as he went along, as many do, but unlike most people, he ended up highlighting every single passage in his Bible.

“I was going through and deciding what passages were worth emphasizing,” explained Barber, “but then I thought about how this is all the inspired Word of God. Am I supposed to say of some of God’s Word, ‘Eh. That’s just not worth remembering’? So I highlighted all of it, because it’s all great.”

Greg Hawkins, a theologian, said this was ridiculous. “Even God would admit that most of the Bible is just filler verses,” he said. “Especially the Old Testament. I mean, a lot of that just never gets quoted and will never in a million years end up on an inspirational poster with a picture of a sunset in the background.” Hawkins explained that the proper way to read the Bible is to pick out the “good stuff,” highlight that, and only ever read the rest when doing an in-depth Bible study on that particular chapter.

Barber, though, disagreed. “When I open my Bible, I can clearly see the important parts as I highlighted it — and it’s all of it. If you ask me what my favorite Bible verse is, it’s a 31,102-way tie.”

 

Some Satire from the Babylon Bee! The Bible . . . or . . . God Speaking?

BOSTON, MA—According to sources, local man Steve Harrison fervently prayed Thursday that the Lord would speak to him and make His will for the man’s life clear, all while sitting literally three feet away from God’s Word as revealed in the Bible.

“Father God, if you would just, speak to me Father God,” Harrison prayed as God’s prophetic word made more sure sat just on the other end of the table at which he was seated.

“If you would just show me your plan for my life, and just reveal your truth to me, Father God,” he continued, somehow missing the fact that God’s truth had already been perfectly revealed to him in the Scriptures. “I just really need you to speak to me personally, Lord.”

At publishing time, sources had confirmed that a frustrated Harrison eventually gave up on trying to hear God’s words and resigned himself to just reading the Bible instead.

 

Babylon Bee: “God, Speak to Me!”

 

The Flood . . . of God! (Gen. 6-7): Part 1

Friends:

I’ve been preaching on Noah’s flood recently.  Let’s notice what the biblical text says about this overwhelming event!

5 The Lord saw how great the wickedness of the human race had become on the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time. 6 The Lord regretted that he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was deeply troubled. 7 So the Lord said, “I will wipe from the face of the earth the human race I have created—and with them the animals, the birds and the creatures that move along the ground—for I regret that I have made them.” 8 But Noah found favor in the eyes of the Lord.
9 This is the account of Noah and his family. Noah was a righteous man, blameless among the people of his time, and he walked faithfully with God. 10 Noah had three sons: Shem, Ham and Japheth.  11 Now the earth was corrupt in God’s sight and was full of violence. 12 God saw how corrupt the earth had become, for all the people on earth had corrupted their ways. 13 So God said to Noah, “I am going to put an end to all people, for the earth is filled with violence because of them. I am surely going to destroy both them and the earth. 14 So make yourself an ark of cypress wood; make rooms in it and coat it with pitch inside and out. 15 This is how you are to build it: The ark is to be three hundred cubits long, fifty cubits wide and thirty cubits high. 16 Make a roof for it, leaving below the roof an opening one cubit high all around. Put a door in the side of the ark and make lower, middle and upper decks. 17 I am going to bring floodwaters on the earth to destroy all life under the heavens, every creature that has the breath of life in it. Everything on earth will perish. 18 But I will establish my covenant with you, and you will enter the ark—you and your sons and your wife and your sons’ wives with you. 19 You are to bring into the ark two of all living creatures, male and female, to keep them alive with you. 20 Two of every kind of bird, of every kind of animal and of every kind of creature that moves along the ground will come to you to be kept alive. 21 You are to take every kind of food that is to be eaten and store it away as food for you and for them.”  22 Noah did everything just as God commanded him. (Gen. 6)
7 The Lord then said to Noah, “Go into the ark, you and your whole family, because I have found you righteous in this generation. 2 Take with you seven pairs of every kind of clean animal, a male and its mate, and one pair of every kind of unclean animal, a male and its mate, 3 and also seven pairs of every kind of bird, male and female, to keep their various kinds alive throughout the earth. 4 Seven days from now I will send rain on the earth for forty days and forty nights, and I will wipe from the face of the earth every living creature I have made.” 5 And Noah did all that the Lord commanded him.
6 Noah was six hundred years old when the floodwaters came on the earth. 7 And Noah and his sons and his wife and his sons’ wives entered the ark to escape the waters of the flood. 8 Pairs of clean and unclean animals, of birds and of all creatures that move along the ground, 9 male and female, came to Noah and entered the ark, as God had commanded Noah. 10 And after the seven days the floodwaters came on the earth. 11 In the six hundredth year of Noah’s life, on the seventeenth day of the second month—on that day all the springs of the great deep burst forth, and the floodgates of the heavens were opened. 12 And rain fell on the earth forty days and forty nights.
13 On that very day Noah and his sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth, together with his wife and the wives of his three sons, entered the ark. 14 They had with them every wild animal according to its kind, all livestock according to their kinds, every creature that moves along the ground according to its kind and every bird according to its kind, everything with wings. 15 Pairs of all creatures that have the breath of life in them came to Noah and entered the ark. 16 The animals going in were male and female of every living thing, as God had commanded Noah. Then the Lord shut him in.
17 For forty days the flood kept coming on the earth, and as the waters increased they lifted the ark high above the earth. 18 The waters rose and increased greatly on the earth, and the ark floated on the surface of the water. 19 They rose greatly on the earth, and all the high mountains under the entire heavens were covered. 20 The waters rose and covered the mountains to a depth of more than fifteen cubits. 21 Every living thing that moved on land perished—birds, livestock, wild animals, all the creatures that swarm over the earth, and all mankind. 22 Everything on dry land that had the breath of life in its nostrils died. 23 Every living thing on the face of the earth was wiped out; people and animals and the creatures that move along the ground and the birds were wiped from the earth. Only Noah was left, and those with him in the ark.
24 The waters flooded the earth for a hundred and fifty days. (Gen. 7)

Here’s the outline I’ve been using:

Let’s look at each of these in the next few posts.  First of all, let’s notice:

The biblical text says:  5 The Lord saw how great the wickedness of the human race had become on the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time. 6 The Lord regretted that he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was deeply troubled. 7 So the Lord said, “I will wipe from the face of the earth the human race I have created—and with them the animals, the birds and the creatures that move along the ground—for I regret that I have made them.”

Wickedness is not a relative term in the Bible.  Here we learn that God is fully aware of man’s wickedness and decides to do something about it!  Unlike deism which essentially says God created the world, wound it up, but then took a vacation, Christian theism teaches that God is actively involved in observing and judging the sins of the world.

The columnist Sydney J. Harris once said, “Once we assuage our conscience by calling something a `necessary evil,’ it begins to look more and more necessary and less and less evil.” God doesn’t “assuage” His conscience — but decides to act — definitively, catastrophically, unmercifully.  Except for the house of Noah (which we will look at in our next installment).

“Where in the world did I put my CLOTHES?”

Man had become so evil that “every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time.”  Man’s sin was much more that improper actions; its decay reached all the way down into his heart and his mind.  When he wasn’t doing evil, he was thinking about the evil which he could do!

Man’s wickedness had become so severe that it actually brought regret to the heart of God!  He regretted that He had even created man!  His “heart was deeply troubled.”

God’ regret leads Him to retribution.  He decides to “wipe from the face of the earth” all humans and all animals!  [to be continued]

Questions:

1.  How is our present world like the world of Noah’s day, do you think?

2.  Why are some (perhaps you) so outraged at the very thought of God’s acting in wholesale judgment?