Church That Believes Exactly What the World Believes . . . – Babylon Bee Satire!

PORTLAND, OR—Lifeforce Community Church prides itself on believing exactly what the surrounding culture believes. On issues ranging from intersectionality and identity politics to the existence of God and the nature of sin, the church takes great pains to match every single one of its core doctrines to that of secular American society.

Yet, somehow, attendance continues to decline. The church’s pastor is totally baffled, saying he has absolutely no idea why no one bothers coming to church anymore.

“I just don’t get it,” said Pastor Bryan Lindell. “I tell our congregation that we’ll offer them the exact same worldview as secular culture, and they abandon us for secular culture. What gives?”

“I mean, does the world have a second-rate band, laser lights, and a fog machine? Does the world offer a hot dish potluck every fourth Sunday? I don’t think so.”

Lindell was quick to point out that his church has premium coffee selections and lots of free pastries every Sunday. “I mean, not as good as real coffee shops, or even Starbucks, but it’s decent,” he said. “If that doesn’t get people jumping out of bed and rushing to church on a Sunday morning when they could be watching the NFL, I’m not sure what would.”

One member of the leadership team suggested they start teaching the Bible to differentiate their church from the surrounding culture and offer something the world cannot offer. The leader was called a bigot and forced to resign.

 

Half of Congregation Dies of Starvation As Sermon Goes 15 Minutes Overtime — Satire from the Babylon Bee

RUSSELLVILLE, AR—Roughly half of the churchgoers at First Baptist Church Russellville died of starvation Sunday after the pastor tragically went 15 minutes over his standard sermon time, local sources confirmed.

“We don’t know if the pastor simply lost track of time due to passion while preaching the word of God, or if something more nefarious was going on,” police chief Dwayne Carroll told reporters Monday.

“It’s hard to imagine that Pastor Frank did not notice the panicked glances at phones and watches, along with the thunderous stomach growls and moans of agony reverberating throughout the sanctuary within minutes after he began to breach his normal closing time,” the chief continued. “Whatever the case, he went well over his standard allotted time for delivering his message, and roughly 75 people in attendance simply could not hold out, succumbing to their hunger before the the end of the church service.”

Thankfully, the other half of the congregation was able to make a speedy exit as soon as they were dismissed, frantically rushing out the doors and flooding all local restaurants for emergency sustenance.

“Pastor Frank should have known the dire consequences of a church service going even a minute past its normal ending time,” one survivor noted to reporters. “I mean, people have to eat.”

Police Chief Carroll confirmed that the investigation is ongoing.

 

Disaster at Seesaw Art Installation (from the Babylon Bee)

SUNLAND PARK, NM—Disaster occurred at the US-Mexico border earlier this week after the installation of seesaws on the border wall. Part of an art project by UC Berkeley faculty, the seesaws were intended to let kids on both sides of the border play with each other as a powerful statement about unity and love across borders.

Unfortunately, as obese American kids rushed to the seesaws to enjoy playing with their fellow humans on the Mexican side of the border, they accidentally launched hundreds of Mexican children over the wall.

“We did not see this coming,” said one Berkeley professor. “We just wanted the kids to play together and have some fun. But it seems like we didn’t account for just how fat American kids are these days.”

The Mexican kids were launched hundreds of feet in the air before landing on the American side of the border. Americans frantically set up a bunch of trampolines to catch them, though these bounced them pretty high and second, smaller trampolines had to be set up to catch them from their bounce. In the end, four trampolines in a row did the trick.

Hearing about the installation, those looking to immigrate to the U.S. rushed to the site and allowed the overweight American kids to continue catapulting person after person over the fencing installation until it was shut down by the Border Patrol.

 

Performance-Enhancing Bible Verses (from the Babylon Bee)

BINGHAMTON, NY—League officials confirmed Thursday that Double-A baseball player and devout Christian Tim Tebow has been suspended for using performance-enhancing Bible verses both on and off the field.

Tebow was spotted injecting the encouraging Bible passages into his morning devotional in the team’s locker room and was reported to appropriate authorities. He is barred from playing in the league until a full investigation of his Bible-reading activities can be conducted.

“The league has a zero-tolerance policy on Bible verses that inspire and encourage a player to do his best and play for the glory of God, and thus bestow an unfair advantage,” league investigator Mack Columbeau said in a press conference. “We will be looking into this matter objectively and completely before rendering a final judgment on Mr. Tebow. If he has violated league policy, he’ll be punished appropriately.”

According to sources close to the matter, Tebow had looked around to make sure no one was in the locker room, but had forgotten the closed circuit cameras. He then flipped to the “highly illegal” PEVs Philippians 4:13 and Joshua 1:9 and slowly read through them and their appropriate contexts, before hiding his Bible contraband back in his baseball bag and trotting out to the field for practice.

“The evidence is pretty convincing—this doesn’t look good for Tebow’s career,” Columbeau added.

 

Reading Those Contracts — Satire from the Babylon Bee!

BOSTON, MA—Local man Justin Fuller immediately fell dead after clicking “I have read and accept these terms and conditions” when installing a new piece of software Friday morning.

The Lord and Sovereign Judge, from which nothing is hidden, could tell Fuller had not even glanced at the twelve pages of legalese, and thus his checking of the box was a lie against which God took immediate vengeance.

“This is very scary,” said software analyst Terrell Bennett. “It makes me wonder if other people have not been reading the end-user license agreement. It’s an important contract between the licensor and the purchaser, and it could be chaos if people didn’t understand all the ramifications of what they were agreeing to. If you click you accept those terms and conditions without having read them, you’re lying to the software vendor, to your Macbook Pro, and to the Creator of us all who is always watching.”

CompuGlobal, the maker of the software Fuller was installing, has informed Fuller’s wife she will get a full refund for the computer program since the EULA was not properly agreed to. “Hopefully everyone in the future will take the time to read the terms and conditions,” said David Zimmerman, the lawyer who wrote the EULA.

“When we put the contracts in the install step, we assume everyone reads them and it is legally binding,” Zimmerman added before immediately falling dead.

 

Babylon Bee Satire: Resigned Over Casseroles!

WEST HATTIESBURG, MS—Local Southern Baptist pastor Pete Harrison resigned in disgrace earlier this week after admitting that he doesn’t like eating casseroles.

The scandal unfolded after a church congregant unearthed comments made by Harrison in a recorded sermon over 10 years ago, in which Harrison said he preferred “something healthy like a nice garden salad” to “fatty, unhealthy casseroles.”

Dozens of angered church members stormed Harrison’s home with pitchforks and torches hastily assembled out of the church’s unused front pew, demanding answers. The pastor emerged, frightened and sheepish, and made a statement.

“I apologize to all those I’ve hurt,” he mumbled as several elderly church ladies began fashioning a Molotov cocktail to throw through his window. “It’s clear to me now that I’m unfit for ministry. Please accept my resignation, and for the love of all that is holy, don’t hurt me!”

The church members reportedly backed down after Pastor Pete began handing out coupons for 15% off a Golden Corral lunch or dinner to quell the uprising.

Harrison is weighing his options but will likely end up back in ministry at a salad-friendly denomination such as the PCUSA or the Unitarian Universalists.