RSS

Tag Archives: Babylon Bee

Half of Congregation Dies of Starvation As Sermon Goes 15 Minutes Overtime — Satire from the Babylon Bee


RUSSELLVILLE, AR—Roughly half of the churchgoers at First Baptist Church Russellville died of starvation Sunday after the pastor tragically went 15 minutes over his standard sermon time, local sources confirmed.

“We don’t know if the pastor simply lost track of time due to passion while preaching the word of God, or if something more nefarious was going on,” police chief Dwayne Carroll told reporters Monday.

“It’s hard to imagine that Pastor Frank did not notice the panicked glances at phones and watches, along with the thunderous stomach growls and moans of agony reverberating throughout the sanctuary within minutes after he began to breach his normal closing time,” the chief continued. “Whatever the case, he went well over his standard allotted time for delivering his message, and roughly 75 people in attendance simply could not hold out, succumbing to their hunger before the the end of the church service.”

Thankfully, the other half of the congregation was able to make a speedy exit as soon as they were dismissed, frantically rushing out the doors and flooding all local restaurants for emergency sustenance.

“Pastor Frank should have known the dire consequences of a church service going even a minute past its normal ending time,” one survivor noted to reporters. “I mean, people have to eat.”

Police Chief Carroll confirmed that the investigation is ongoing.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on November 25, 2019 in satire

 

Tags: , , ,

Disaster at Seesaw Art Installation (from the Babylon Bee)

SUNLAND PARK, NM—Disaster occurred at the US-Mexico border earlier this week after the installation of seesaws on the border wall. Part of an art project by UC Berkeley faculty, the seesaws were intended to let kids on both sides of the border play with each other as a powerful statement about unity and love across borders.

Unfortunately, as obese American kids rushed to the seesaws to enjoy playing with their fellow humans on the Mexican side of the border, they accidentally launched hundreds of Mexican children over the wall.

“We did not see this coming,” said one Berkeley professor. “We just wanted the kids to play together and have some fun. But it seems like we didn’t account for just how fat American kids are these days.”

The Mexican kids were launched hundreds of feet in the air before landing on the American side of the border. Americans frantically set up a bunch of trampolines to catch them, though these bounced them pretty high and second, smaller trampolines had to be set up to catch them from their bounce. In the end, four trampolines in a row did the trick.

Hearing about the installation, those looking to immigrate to the U.S. rushed to the site and allowed the overweight American kids to continue catapulting person after person over the fencing installation until it was shut down by the Border Patrol.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on November 19, 2019 in satire

 

Tags: , ,

Performance-Enhancing Bible Verses (from the Babylon Bee)

BINGHAMTON, NY—League officials confirmed Thursday that Double-A baseball player and devout Christian Tim Tebow has been suspended for using performance-enhancing Bible verses both on and off the field.

Tebow was spotted injecting the encouraging Bible passages into his morning devotional in the team’s locker room and was reported to appropriate authorities. He is barred from playing in the league until a full investigation of his Bible-reading activities can be conducted.

“The league has a zero-tolerance policy on Bible verses that inspire and encourage a player to do his best and play for the glory of God, and thus bestow an unfair advantage,” league investigator Mack Columbeau said in a press conference. “We will be looking into this matter objectively and completely before rendering a final judgment on Mr. Tebow. If he has violated league policy, he’ll be punished appropriately.”

According to sources close to the matter, Tebow had looked around to make sure no one was in the locker room, but had forgotten the closed circuit cameras. He then flipped to the “highly illegal” PEVs Philippians 4:13 and Joshua 1:9 and slowly read through them and their appropriate contexts, before hiding his Bible contraband back in his baseball bag and trotting out to the field for practice.

“The evidence is pretty convincing—this doesn’t look good for Tebow’s career,” Columbeau added.

 
4 Comments

Posted by on November 17, 2019 in satire

 

Tags: , ,

Reading Those Contracts — Satire from the Babylon Bee!


BOSTON, MA—Local man Justin Fuller immediately fell dead after clicking “I have read and accept these terms and conditions” when installing a new piece of software Friday morning.

The Lord and Sovereign Judge, from which nothing is hidden, could tell Fuller had not even glanced at the twelve pages of legalese, and thus his checking of the box was a lie against which God took immediate vengeance.

“This is very scary,” said software analyst Terrell Bennett. “It makes me wonder if other people have not been reading the end-user license agreement. It’s an important contract between the licensor and the purchaser, and it could be chaos if people didn’t understand all the ramifications of what they were agreeing to. If you click you accept those terms and conditions without having read them, you’re lying to the software vendor, to your Macbook Pro, and to the Creator of us all who is always watching.”

CompuGlobal, the maker of the software Fuller was installing, has informed Fuller’s wife she will get a full refund for the computer program since the EULA was not properly agreed to. “Hopefully everyone in the future will take the time to read the terms and conditions,” said David Zimmerman, the lawyer who wrote the EULA.

“When we put the contracts in the install step, we assume everyone reads them and it is legally binding,” Zimmerman added before immediately falling dead.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on August 4, 2019 in satire

 

Tags: , , ,

Some Satire from the Babylon Bee! The Bible . . . or . . . God Speaking?


BOSTON, MA—According to sources, local man Steve Harrison fervently prayed Thursday that the Lord would speak to him and make His will for the man’s life clear, all while sitting literally three feet away from God’s Word as revealed in the Bible.

“Father God, if you would just, speak to me Father God,” Harrison prayed as God’s prophetic word made more sure sat just on the other end of the table at which he was seated.

“If you would just show me your plan for my life, and just reveal your truth to me, Father God,” he continued, somehow missing the fact that God’s truth had already been perfectly revealed to him in the Scriptures. “I just really need you to speak to me personally, Lord.”

At publishing time, sources had confirmed that a frustrated Harrison eventually gave up on trying to hear God’s words and resigned himself to just reading the Bible instead.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on May 20, 2019 in Bible

 

Tags: , , ,

Babylon Bee Satire: Resigned Over Casseroles!


WEST HATTIESBURG, MS—Local Southern Baptist pastor Pete Harrison resigned in disgrace earlier this week after admitting that he doesn’t like eating casseroles.

The scandal unfolded after a church congregant unearthed comments made by Harrison in a recorded sermon over 10 years ago, in which Harrison said he preferred “something healthy like a nice garden salad” to “fatty, unhealthy casseroles.”

Dozens of angered church members stormed Harrison’s home with pitchforks and torches hastily assembled out of the church’s unused front pew, demanding answers. The pastor emerged, frightened and sheepish, and made a statement.

“I apologize to all those I’ve hurt,” he mumbled as several elderly church ladies began fashioning a Molotov cocktail to throw through his window. “It’s clear to me now that I’m unfit for ministry. Please accept my resignation, and for the love of all that is holy, don’t hurt me!”

The church members reportedly backed down after Pastor Pete began handing out coupons for 15% off a Golden Corral lunch or dinner to quell the uprising.

Harrison is weighing his options but will likely end up back in ministry at a salad-friendly denomination such as the PCUSA or the Unitarian Universalists.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on March 22, 2019 in satire

 

Tags: , ,

Babylon Bee Satire: Two Anti-Abortion Attacks!

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amid deliberations on the Born-Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act, which was somehow seen as controversial, Democrat leaders reaffirmed their belief that newborn babies are precious gifts, nearly as precious as the right to kill them.

“Don’t get us wrong, we believe newborn babies are very precious,” said Senator Kamala Harris. “We just don’t believe they’re quite as precious as your constitutional right to snuff out their innocent little lives.”

“When I see their little joyful faces, I’m reminded that miracles are real, as are your rights to smother their lives before they’ve gotten to experience life at all,” she said.

Other Democrat leaders agreed with Harris’ comments, with Cory Booker claiming that he loves children as well as your “God-given right to kill them.” “It’s like, this is our Spartacus moment,” he said. “This is our moon shot: are we going to let their adorable little faces stop us from ending their lives? Are the women of this nation going to give up their right to kill babies just because they’re a human life? I think we can do better. I think we can do it.”

“I am Spartacus! I am Spartacus!” he added for some reason.

At publishing time, Democrat legislators had clarified that universal healthcare, climate change action, and raising taxes on the wealthy are also more precious than the face of a newborn baby.

WORLD—North Korean President Kim Jong Un came under intense scrutiny this week after meeting with a barbaric nation that has killed over 60 million of its young since legalizing abortion in 1973.

Political commentators agreed that by meeting with the nation of savages that abort hundreds of thousands of their young each and every year, Kim Jong Un appeared to be legitimizing the backwards, depraved nation of America.

“Just picture Kim Jong Un up there shaking hands with Hitler,” one pundit said. “That’s basically what this amounts to, when you consider that he’s meeting with a country that has killed over 60 million babies since Roe v. Wade. I’m just not sure this kind of a meeting represents good optics for the North Koreans.”

“What kind of message does this send to the unborn children in America? It’s not a good look for him to be glossing over these kinds of atrocities just for a few empty promises from the U.S.,” another commentator said.

Kim Jong Un also came under heavy fire for meeting with America due to the Western country’s reckless stockpiling of thousands of nuclear weapons.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on March 10, 2019 in abortion

 

Tags: , ,