Tag Archives: Babylon Bee
The study found that most theological ideas held by American Christians are just cutesy sayings they saw on a bumper sticker one time. Researchers believe rather than reading books, listening to good sermons, and seeing what the Bible has to say, most believers now just read bumper stickers, nod, and say, “Yeah, that sounds pretty good.”
“Whatever simplistic platitudes they happen to see on bumper stickers, Christian coffee mugs, and inspirational posters make up pretty much the entire American Christian theological diet,” study lead Jim Gardner said further stating that many Christians felt “good or very good” about their theology diet after reading a bumper sticker or two every day. “Yeah, Christians don’t study theology anymore. They read a bumper sticker and immediately believe it as gospel truth.”
Favorite doctrines of American Christians included the following:
Cleanliness is next to godliness
If it ain’t King James, it ain’t Bible
Jesus saves – everyone else rolls for damage
Love the casserole, hate the calories
God helps those who help themselves
God won’t give you more than you can handle
When God locks you in the trunk, he at least gives you a snorkel
Christianity isn’t a religion, it’s a relationship
God answers knee-mail
Hipster Jesus loved you before you were cool
Son-screen prevents sin-burn
At publishing time, LifeWay study representatives had confirmed that “Don’t drive faster than your guardian angel can fly” was voted the favorite Bible verse of American Christians.
“The children aren’t learning how to read good, they’re not learning how to do the plussing and minusing, and they ain’t doin’ them colors very good,” she said in the video that went viral on Facebook and Twitter.
Binkowski’s concerns have been echoed by other teachers across the country, who are worried that as kids stay home, their knowledge and abilities will deteriorate. Incensed teachers commented on her video, writing things like “Our students are loosing they’re knowledge” and “For all intensive purposes all these kids are getting more and more dumber.”
The teachers have begun an online petition calling for schools to reopen and a #PublicSchoolsAreBetterThenHomeschools hashtag.
“We need to do gooder for our childrens,” Binkowski concluded.
BACKWATERTON, AR—Local man Rayford Williams has been in a coma for the past month, so he was excited to get back to his church family. Unfortunately, he was totally unaware of the COVID-19 outbreak, which has caused most churches to move their services online.
“Oh man,” he said as he walked into the empty church building on Sunday, assuming he had missed the Rapture. “I knew I should have paid more attention to that Kirk Cameron movie.”
Luckily, the church had prepared for such an occasion with a pamphlet titled “So You’ve Been Left Behind” available in the lobby. Williams read through the material and searched his heart, wondering when he had fallen away from his faith. “It was probably that time I played Dungeons & Dragons with my kids. I ran the race for years only to disqualify myself at the end.”
“There’s no time to change my mind – the Son has come and I’ve been left behind.”
HOUSTON, TX—On a video posted to his Facebook page Thursday, a relieved Joel Osteen announced that he’s tested negative for biblically faithful Christianity.
A nervous Osteen had accidentally come into contact with the Bible several days prior and feared he had contracted the gospel.
“I’m relieved to announce that I’m 100% gospel-free,” the smiling pastor said. He’d been quarantining himself from friends and family for a few days just in case he was gospel-positive, not wanting the gospel to spread to anyone else. “My hand had briefly brushed against the Bible, as I thought it was one of my books. We’ve disposed of it, of course, and I’ve notified all the people I’ve come into contact with since then so they could quarantine.”
“I’m just glad I’m still safe from the truth that I’m a hopeless sinner in need of a savior.”
Osteen has, however, tested positive for a novel prosperity gospel virus — a new but still very deadly mutation of an ancient heresy.
FRANKLIN, TN—Following the advice of popular self-help books by Rachel Hollis, local woman Brenda Jenkins decided she’d get up, wash her face, and stop apologizing, seizing the moment and living her life to the fullest.
Unfortunately, Jenkins is still on her way to hell where she’ll be separated from God forever unless and until she repents and trusts Christ as her Savior.
“These books really helped me to see that I needed to live life to the fullest and give up everything to follow my dreams,” said the woman who will spend eternity apart from God unless she denies herself, takes up her cross, and follows Jesus. “I now know that I need to give up shame and guilt and simply live for what’s most important: me.”
The woman who is still on a trajectory that will lead her to a place of eternal condemnation for her sin stated she was “pretty excited” about what the future holds after learning to live today to the fullest, cast doubts and fear aside, and simply become who she envisions herself to be.
“I’m really glad I read these books—now I can become the best version of myself,” she said, not realizing she would never be able to become who she was meant to be outside of Christ.
Half of Congregation Dies of Starvation As Sermon Goes 15 Minutes Overtime — Satire from the Babylon Bee
RUSSELLVILLE, AR—Roughly half of the churchgoers at First Baptist Church Russellville died of starvation Sunday after the pastor tragically went 15 minutes over his standard sermon time, local sources confirmed.
“We don’t know if the pastor simply lost track of time due to passion while preaching the word of God, or if something more nefarious was going on,” police chief Dwayne Carroll told reporters Monday.
“It’s hard to imagine that Pastor Frank did not notice the panicked glances at phones and watches, along with the thunderous stomach growls and moans of agony reverberating throughout the sanctuary within minutes after he began to breach his normal closing time,” the chief continued. “Whatever the case, he went well over his standard allotted time for delivering his message, and roughly 75 people in attendance simply could not hold out, succumbing to their hunger before the the end of the church service.”
Thankfully, the other half of the congregation was able to make a speedy exit as soon as they were dismissed, frantically rushing out the doors and flooding all local restaurants for emergency sustenance.
“Pastor Frank should have known the dire consequences of a church service going even a minute past its normal ending time,” one survivor noted to reporters. “I mean, people have to eat.”
Police Chief Carroll confirmed that the investigation is ongoing.
SUNLAND PARK, NM—Disaster occurred at the US-Mexico border earlier this week after the installation of seesaws on the border wall. Part of an art project by UC Berkeley faculty, the seesaws were intended to let kids on both sides of the border play with each other as a powerful statement about unity and love across borders.
Unfortunately, as obese American kids rushed to the seesaws to enjoy playing with their fellow humans on the Mexican side of the border, they accidentally launched hundreds of Mexican children over the wall.
“We did not see this coming,” said one Berkeley professor. “We just wanted the kids to play together and have some fun. But it seems like we didn’t account for just how fat American kids are these days.”
The Mexican kids were launched hundreds of feet in the air before landing on the American side of the border. Americans frantically set up a bunch of trampolines to catch them, though these bounced them pretty high and second, smaller trampolines had to be set up to catch them from their bounce. In the end, four trampolines in a row did the trick.
Hearing about the installation, those looking to immigrate to the U.S. rushed to the site and allowed the overweight American kids to continue catapulting person after person over the fencing installation until it was shut down by the Border Patrol.
BINGHAMTON, NY—League officials confirmed Thursday that Double-A baseball player and devout Christian Tim Tebow has been suspended for using performance-enhancing Bible verses both on and off the field.
Tebow was spotted injecting the encouraging Bible passages into his morning devotional in the team’s locker room and was reported to appropriate authorities. He is barred from playing in the league until a full investigation of his Bible-reading activities can be conducted.
“The league has a zero-tolerance policy on Bible verses that inspire and encourage a player to do his best and play for the glory of God, and thus bestow an unfair advantage,” league investigator Mack Columbeau said in a press conference. “We will be looking into this matter objectively and completely before rendering a final judgment on Mr. Tebow. If he has violated league policy, he’ll be punished appropriately.”
According to sources close to the matter, Tebow had looked around to make sure no one was in the locker room, but had forgotten the closed circuit cameras. He then flipped to the “highly illegal” PEVs Philippians 4:13 and Joshua 1:9 and slowly read through them and their appropriate contexts, before hiding his Bible contraband back in his baseball bag and trotting out to the field for practice.
“The evidence is pretty convincing—this doesn’t look good for Tebow’s career,” Columbeau added.