Church That Believes Exactly What the World Believes . . . – Babylon Bee Satire!

PORTLAND, OR—Lifeforce Community Church prides itself on believing exactly what the surrounding culture believes. On issues ranging from intersectionality and identity politics to the existence of God and the nature of sin, the church takes great pains to match every single one of its core doctrines to that of secular American society.

Yet, somehow, attendance continues to decline. The church’s pastor is totally baffled, saying he has absolutely no idea why no one bothers coming to church anymore.

“I just don’t get it,” said Pastor Bryan Lindell. “I tell our congregation that we’ll offer them the exact same worldview as secular culture, and they abandon us for secular culture. What gives?”

“I mean, does the world have a second-rate band, laser lights, and a fog machine? Does the world offer a hot dish potluck every fourth Sunday? I don’t think so.”

Lindell was quick to point out that his church has premium coffee selections and lots of free pastries every Sunday. “I mean, not as good as real coffee shops, or even Starbucks, but it’s decent,” he said. “If that doesn’t get people jumping out of bed and rushing to church on a Sunday morning when they could be watching the NFL, I’m not sure what would.”

One member of the leadership team suggested they start teaching the Bible to differentiate their church from the surrounding culture and offer something the world cannot offer. The leader was called a bigot and forced to resign.

 

Babylon Bee Satire on Diet and Exercise!

U.S.—An exciting new exercise bike, sold under the brand “Christ Fit,” will force the rider to watch Christian movies until he or she hits a chosen fitness goal for a given exercise session, sources confirmed Thursday.

Once the user hits a pre-selected goal of riding minutes, distance traveled, or burned calories, the exercise bike will turn off the Christian film and allow the user to change the programming to a different movie or TV program.

“We were looking for something to really motivate people to get moving,” a Christ Fit representative said. “We tried playing Newsboys songs, gospel quartet sing-a-longs, and even some Rob Bell sermons. But nothing seemed to motivate those working out like forcing them to watch a corny Christian film made on a shoestring budget until they’d biked their hearts out.”

Early tests indicated that unmotivated exercisers would pedal three to four times harder when subjected to a film like Fireproof, Saving Christmas, or God’s Not Dead, with the promise of sweet release from the movie’s death-grip motivating an unprecedented level of exertion.