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Babylon Bee on Chick-Fil-A and HEAVEN!


HEAVEN—An angelic representative for Chick-fil-A confirmed Wednesday morning that its restaurants located in Heaven are open seven days a week, rather than closing on Sundays as the fast food chain’s earthly locations are known for.

The statement was released in response to “literally millions” of prayers and petitions from Christians concerned about the operating hours of the establishment in the heavenly realms.

“There is no death, nor mourning, nor crying, nor pain, nor excellent chicken sandwich establishments closing their doors for 24 hours each week, for the former things have passed away,” the heavenly messenger confirmed, adding also that normal business hours do not apply in glory, and the beloved purveyor of moist chicken never closes.

“It just wouldn’t be paradise if citizens of the Kingdom couldn’t rely on getting a warm chicken sandwich 24 hours a day, seven days a week,” he added.

At publishing time, sources had been able to confirm that workers would still be asked to say “my pleasure” in response to any simple request from patrons in heaven.

 
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Posted by on March 16, 2019 in heaven

 

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Babylon Bee Satire on Chick-Fil-A!


RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA—According to multiple sources, local man Brad Dunsing was excited to see the Chick-fil-A location near his house had no customers in the drive-thru line this past Sunday, exclaiming to his family, “Hey look, cool! There’s no line at the Chick-fil-A drive-thru! We can just pull on in and grab something for the whole family real quick.”

“Oh man, what luck!” he said, clearly pleased with himself. “This place is always packed. I love when you arrive at a restaurant at just the right time. It really feels like you beat the system.” He then launched into a lengthy explanation of how the shortcut he took across Spruce Street really saved them some time and how they probably would not have beaten the crowds if they’d taken a different route.

The giddy man pulled up to the drive-thru window and prepared to order, internally struggling as to whether he’d get the classic sandwich or the spicy one.

All of this occurred just moments before it struck him like a pro wrestler leaping from the top rope that it was actually Sunday and that Chick-fil-A locations are closed on Sundays.

“Oh—oh no. I did it again,” he said quietly, a tear beginning to form in the corner of his eye. “It’s… it’s Sunday, isn’t it?” He quietly backed out of the drive-thru and drove away, with none of his family members daring to say a word.

At publishing time, sources had further confirmed that Dunsing was forced to sit in a McDonald’s drive-thru line for a full 45 minutes instead, though there were only 3 cars in front of him.

 
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Posted by on March 4, 2019 in Chick-Fil-A

 

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