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Tag Archives: Joel Osteen

Satire from the Babylon Bee: Joel Osteen & His False Gospel!

HOUSTON, TX—Joel Osteen has been ordered to wear a mask by Houston public health officials, not for coronavirus reasons but for the spiritual health of those around him.

The special soundproof mask is designed to prevent the spread of particles, false teaching, and prosperity gospel nonsense from Osteen to those around him. It was designed specifically for Osteen. If this method of slowing the spread of false doctrine is successful, the masks can be mass-manufactured for other preachers like Kenneth Copeland, Benny Hinn, and Creflo Dollar.

Osteen protested against the order, saying, “MMFFFF!!! MMMMMMMMMMMMMFFF! MMMMMMMMFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!””

Despite his complaints, Osteen is cooperating with the order and preached an entirely silent sermon Sunday morning. The message was considered by many to be “his best in years.”

 
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Posted by on April 25, 2020 in Joel Osteen

 

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Some Satire from the Babylon Bee!


HOUSTON, TX—On a video posted to his Facebook page Thursday, a relieved Joel Osteen announced that he’s tested negative for biblically faithful Christianity.

A nervous Osteen had accidentally come into contact with the Bible several days prior and feared he had contracted the gospel.

“I’m relieved to announce that I’m 100% gospel-free,” the smiling pastor said. He’d been quarantining himself from friends and family for a few days just in case he was gospel-positive, not wanting the gospel to spread to anyone else. “My hand had briefly brushed against the Bible, as I thought it was one of my books. We’ve disposed of it, of course, and I’ve notified all the people I’ve come into contact with since then so they could quarantine.”

“I’m just glad I’m still safe from the truth that I’m a hopeless sinner in need of a savior.”

Osteen has, however, tested positive for a novel prosperity gospel virus — a new but still very deadly mutation of an ancient heresy.

 
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Posted by on April 9, 2020 in Joel Osteen

 

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Joel Osteen’s “Check Theology” Light!


HOUSTON, TX—An exasperated Joel Osteen threw up his hands while preaching this past Sunday as his pulpit’s “Check Theology” light came on once again.

“Ugh, this is the third time this month—what now!?!” he shouted in a rare outburst. Osteen then suddenly realized that the tens of thousands of people who come to his church for a self-help speech every Sunday were watching him intently. “Oh, uh, heh—I mean, it’s no problem. I, uh, just had that little outburst so you could see what NOT to do.”

“See, you don’t want to let negativity in your life,” he said, regaining his composure as he plastered a fake smile on his face.

After the service, Osteen had a pulpit mechanic in to look at the sleek, stainless steel podium. The mechanic hooked it up to his portable computer. “Ah, here’s your problem, bud,” the worker said. “Looks like you’re preaching the Word-Faith gospel again. See, when you tell people that all they have to do to solve their problems is speak words of positivity, it trips the warning on this model.”

“I recommend repenting of your false gospel right away,” the mechanic said helpfully.

Osteen then thanked the mechanic for his help and paid him to rip the Check Theology light right out of the dash.

 
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Posted by on November 15, 2019 in false teaching

 

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Perfect Satire on Joel Osteen – From the Babylon Bee!

HOUSTON, TX—An exasperated Joel Osteen threw up his hands while preaching this past Sunday as his pulpit’s “Check Theology” light came on once again.

“Ugh, this is the third time this month—what now!?!” he shouted in a rare outburst. Osteen then suddenly realized that the tens of thousands of people who come to his church for a self-help speech every Sunday were watching him intently. “Oh, uh, heh—I mean, it’s no problem. I, uh, just had that little outburst so you could see what NOT to do.”

“See, you don’t want to let negativity in your life,” he said, regaining his composure as he plastered a fake smile on his face.

After the service, Osteen had a pulpit mechanic in to look at the sleek, stainless steel podium. The mechanic hooked it up to his portable computer. “Ah, here’s your problem, bud,” the worker said. “Looks like you’re preaching the Word-Faith gospel again. See, when you tell people that all they have to do to solve their problems is speak words of positivity, it trips the warning on this model.”

“I recommend repenting of your false gospel right away,” the mechanic said helpfully.

Osteen then thanked the mechanic for his help and paid him to rip the Check Theology light right out of the dash.

 
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Posted by on March 2, 2019 in Joel Osteen

 

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If Paul Had Preached Joel Osteen’s Message at Mars Hill . . .

 
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Posted by on September 8, 2018 in Joel Osteen

 

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