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Satire from the Babylon Bee: Where Do You Get Your Theology?


NASHVILLE, TN—A new LifeWay Research study released Wednesday confirmed that over 92% of Christians get all of their theology from cliches on bumper stickers.

The study found that most theological ideas held by American Christians are just cutesy sayings they saw on a bumper sticker one time. Researchers believe rather than reading books, listening to good sermons, and seeing what the Bible has to say, most believers now just read bumper stickers, nod, and say, “Yeah, that sounds pretty good.”

“Whatever simplistic platitudes they happen to see on bumper stickers, Christian coffee mugs, and inspirational posters make up pretty much the entire American Christian theological diet,” study lead Jim Gardner said further stating that many Christians felt “good or very good” about their theology diet after reading a bumper sticker or two every day. “Yeah, Christians don’t study theology anymore. They read a bumper sticker and immediately believe it as gospel truth.”

Favorite doctrines of American Christians included the following:

Cleanliness is next to godliness
If it ain’t King James, it ain’t Bible
Jesus saves – everyone else rolls for damage
Love the casserole, hate the calories
God helps those who help themselves
God won’t give you more than you can handle
When God locks you in the trunk, he at least gives you a snorkel
Christianity isn’t a religion, it’s a relationship
God answers knee-mail
Hipster Jesus loved you before you were cool
Son-screen prevents sin-burn

At publishing time, LifeWay study representatives had confirmed that “Don’t drive faster than your guardian angel can fly” was voted the favorite Bible verse of American Christians.

 
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Posted by on July 12, 2020 in satire

 

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Satire from the Babylon Bee: Puppie Abortions!



U.S.—Democrats have finally turned on Planned Parenthood after the organization announced its new puppy abortion program.

Many thought Democrats would defend anything and everything Planned Parenthood does, but it seems they’ve finally done something Democrats are willing to criticize: killing puppies in the womb.

The abortions for dogs are performed under the organization’s new “Planned Puppyhood” program. Planned Parenthood calls the program “Female Dog Healthcare” and says it is necessary for a dog’s health and emotional well-being. “Her litter, her choice,” the program’s slogan goes. “Kill puppies — no matter what.” They will also be selling aborted puppy parts to the highest bidder.

“This is outrageous!” shouted one protester at a Portland Planned Parenthood clinic. “Planned Parenthood is murdering precious little dogs, pretending that it’s just canine healthcare. They are participating in a modern-day holocaust that will end millions of cute little puppy lives. They are profiting off the murder of the unborn puppies. This is totally out of character for them! I can’t believe they would do something like this.”

Democrats say they will end their protests if Planned Parenthood agrees to go back to just killing human babies.

 
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Posted by on May 10, 2020 in abortion

 

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Satire: The Babylon Bee on Homeschooling


BEAVERTOOTH, OR—In a viral video posted to social media earlier this week, Grant Elementary School teacher Ellen Binkowski warned her followers that homeschooling is making kids “more stupider.”

“The children aren’t learning how to read good, they’re not learning how to do the plussing and minusing, and they ain’t doin’ them colors very good,” she said in the video that went viral on Facebook and Twitter.

Binkowski’s concerns have been echoed by other teachers across the country, who are worried that as kids stay home, their knowledge and abilities will deteriorate. Incensed teachers commented on her video, writing things like “Our students are loosing they’re knowledge” and “For all intensive purposes all these kids are getting more and more dumber.”

The teachers have begun an online petition calling for schools to reopen and a #PublicSchoolsAreBetterThenHomeschools hashtag.

“We need to do gooder for our childrens,” Binkowski concluded.

 
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Posted by on April 27, 2020 in satire

 

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Satire from the Babylon Bee: Joel Osteen & His False Gospel!

HOUSTON, TX—Joel Osteen has been ordered to wear a mask by Houston public health officials, not for coronavirus reasons but for the spiritual health of those around him.

The special soundproof mask is designed to prevent the spread of particles, false teaching, and prosperity gospel nonsense from Osteen to those around him. It was designed specifically for Osteen. If this method of slowing the spread of false doctrine is successful, the masks can be mass-manufactured for other preachers like Kenneth Copeland, Benny Hinn, and Creflo Dollar.

Osteen protested against the order, saying, “MMFFFF!!! MMMMMMMMMMMMMFFF! MMMMMMMMFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!””

Despite his complaints, Osteen is cooperating with the order and preached an entirely silent sermon Sunday morning. The message was considered by many to be “his best in years.”

 
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Posted by on April 25, 2020 in Joel Osteen

 

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Evil People During a Pandemic!

Got this email today:

I think I should apply to become a grammar-checker for spammers and scammers! First of all, I don’t have an Apple that could be suspended. Second, the first sentence should read: “Your account Apple ID has been accessED from another DEVICE!”  Then, “For security REASONS, we have locked your account (where’s the period?).”  Then, “If you no verification is performed …” WHAT???!!!

What say you, spammers? I’m retired, an expert in English grammar, and I’ve got time on my hands. In fact, if you don’t hire me by pushing the button below, we will your house visit for no good reason to sale you Girl Scout Cokies!

 

 

 
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Posted by on April 16, 2020 in spam

 

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“Girl Washes Face” – Satire from the Babylon Bee!


FRANKLIN, TN—Following the advice of popular self-help books by Rachel Hollis, local woman Brenda Jenkins decided she’d get up, wash her face, and stop apologizing, seizing the moment and living her life to the fullest.

Unfortunately, Jenkins is still on her way to hell where she’ll be separated from God forever unless and until she repents and trusts Christ as her Savior.

“These books really helped me to see that I needed to live life to the fullest and give up everything to follow my dreams,” said the woman who will spend eternity apart from God unless she denies herself, takes up her cross, and follows Jesus. “I now know that I need to give up shame and guilt and simply live for what’s most important: me.”

The woman who is still on a trajectory that will lead her to a place of eternal condemnation for her sin stated she was “pretty excited” about what the future holds after learning to live today to the fullest, cast doubts and fear aside, and simply become who she envisions herself to be.

“I’m really glad I read these books—now I can become the best version of myself,” she said, not realizing she would never be able to become who she was meant to be outside of Christ.

 
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Posted by on March 21, 2020 in satire

 

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Not Sharing One’s Faith – Satire from the Babylon Bee!


GREENSBURY, AZ—Local Catholic woman Gabriella Perez was getting ready to tell her friend about her Catholic faith Monday morning. Her friend had expressed her agnosticism over the existence of God, and Perez prepared to share some reasons for her faith.

Unfortunately, before Perez was able to give a reason for the hope that is in her, a lurking Pope Francis leaped out of a nearby shrubbery and slapped her across the face for attempting to proselytize.

“Bad Catholic!” Pope Francis cried as he unleashed a devastating open-handed slap. As Perez recovered, Francis continued his lecture, wagging his finger at the stunned woman. “You’re not supposed to evangelize — do you want people to feel uncomfortable or something? What if she has her own worldview that’s no less valid than your own? You’re gonna make Catholics look judgmental, which is utterly opposed to the God of the Bible who never judged anybody.”

His work finished, the pope pressed a button on his utility belt, summoning the Popewing to fly overhead and pick him up to go lecture a priest for drinking out of a plastic straw.

Editor’s note: We will examine the Pope’s declaration that evangelism is wrong in a later post.

 
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Posted by on January 18, 2020 in evangelism

 

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More Satire from the Babylon Bee: Patience!

LOS ANGELES, CA—Local man Herbert Patterson died of natural causes after waiting in his car for over sixty years for his wife to finish socializing at Second Avenue Baptist Church following a November 1956 service, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Patterson reportedly got into the couple’s 1955 Chevrolet Bel Air about 30 minutes after the close of the service, right after being assured by his wife Betty that she would “only be a moment,” and then they could go get a hamburger at McDonald’s on the way home.

But when minutes turned to years, and years to decades, the man began to grow concerned.

“Well, that’s Betty for you,” Patterson said with a good-natured chuckle in a 2008 interview, as he continued to sit in the front seat of their car waiting for his wife. “Oh, by the way—don’t tell me who won the Cold War. I want to be surprised when I turn on the radio tonight to check the news.”

“Honey, it’s time to go! Come on!” he called out, attempting to honk the horn but finding it had long since ceased functioning.

Sadly, Patterson would never find out who won the Cold War, as he passed away peacefully in the driver’s seat of the couple’s now-classic car, as his wife continued to signal that she was just going to be one more minute talking with her friends in front of the church.

“He went as he would have wanted to—waiting for grandma to be done milling about after church,” one of Patterson’s grandchildren said at the funeral, which Mrs. Patterson did not attend, as she was still reportedly socializing for “just one more minute” after the church service that ended over sixty years ago.

 
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Posted by on January 12, 2020 in patience

 

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Nation Approves Pushing Hollywood into Pacific Ocean — Babylon Bee satire


WASHINGTON, D.C.—A new law passed by Congress and signed into law by President Trump Thursday approves a plan to push Hollywood into the Pacific Ocean, sources in Washington are reporting.

The new law calls for federal officials to build or acquire a giant hand saw and make a rough incision along the outside of the central district of Los Angeles, leaving a large enough buffer so as to be sure that none of Hollywood would remain, allowing the scandal-ridden Tinseltown and its occupants to simply drift out to sea.

The plan comes amidst a continuous string of sexual scandals and horrific crimes that have come to light, perpetrated by some of the biggest Hollywood stars.

“For the well-being of all Americans, we’re just gonna hack it off,” Trump said at the bill’s signing. “It’s one of those cases like in the movies where you’ve got a really infected leg or arm and you’ve just gotta take action or else it’s gonna spread. It’s not good. It’s sad. But it’s gotta be done.”

“Yeah, sure, we’re gonna lose some of the other parts of L.A., and Santa Monica is toast, but that’s just collateral damage. It’s a fair deal,” he added.

The move was applauded by the majority of the nation, though some celebrities in New York voiced concern about the safety of their own city.

 
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Posted by on December 9, 2019 in entertainment

 

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Church That Believes Exactly What the World Believes . . . – Babylon Bee Satire!


PORTLAND, OR—Lifeforce Community Church prides itself on believing exactly what the surrounding culture believes. On issues ranging from intersectionality and identity politics to the existence of God and the nature of sin, the church takes great pains to match every single one of its core doctrines to that of secular American society.

Yet, somehow, attendance continues to decline. The church’s pastor is totally baffled, saying he has absolutely no idea why no one bothers coming to church anymore.

“I just don’t get it,” said Pastor Bryan Lindell. “I tell our congregation that we’ll offer them the exact same worldview as secular culture, and they abandon us for secular culture. What gives?”

“I mean, does the world have a second-rate band, laser lights, and a fog machine? Does the world offer a hot dish potluck every fourth Sunday? I don’t think so.”

Lindell was quick to point out that his church has premium coffee selections and lots of free pastries every Sunday. “I mean, not as good as real coffee shops, or even Starbucks, but it’s decent,” he said. “If that doesn’t get people jumping out of bed and rushing to church on a Sunday morning when they could be watching the NFL, I’m not sure what would.”

One member of the leadership team suggested they start teaching the Bible to differentiate their church from the surrounding culture and offer something the world cannot offer. The leader was called a bigot and forced to resign.

 
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Posted by on December 5, 2019 in satire

 

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